Last 6 weeks until the end of school and I feel completely crushed. As if the weight of the world is on my shoulders again and there's no one to support me to keep on going. The people I trust and depend on don't even seem to notice me anymore or just take me for granted absorbing my mind and strenght without giving anything in return. Like drowning in a sea - they hold on to me to save themselves and once treading water.. forget I was even there. I feel used, crushed, forgotten, abused. I may have caused this isolation myself but there's only so much you can put up with.
My mind is like an old computer - too full to function. Occasionally it's on stand-by mode for a few hours after school. Then back to studying. Four to five hours of sleep are becoming habitual. Depressing? You have no idea. Today half of my English exercise was wrong... h a l f .. that is a very bad indicator. If I already messed up English then I must be really messed up. A lot of my time is taken by my hobbies yet I can't seem to give them up to rest either.. Self-destruction seems to be my only goal right now since I've lost the ones I had.. more like lost the meaning of them. I used to know what I want from life, from future.. but mostly.. from myself. I don't even know who I'm studying for anymore. Myself?.. what for? My family?.. they just want the best for me. The teachers?.. seems more like it every day.
I know that if I let go I will regret, I would always think I could've done better. I am never ..completely.. satisfied.. with myself. Always trying to be better. Because there is always someone better and luckier in no matter what. So I try to be more like them. I have a m a z i n g friends. They like me and say I'm great.. but I never feel like I deserve them, that they're too good to be true and I couldn't have been so lucky to have them to call my own. Occasionally I feel like in a movie.. that this all is not real.. it's just a video game I've forgotten myself into.
I feel so tired.. maybe because of the spring coming and last efforts at school, maybe because I'm just tired of everything old and need something new, maybe since every time I stand up too quicky I feel like falling into a black hole, literally. I have been having those a lot lately, recent one today during math class when teacher called me in front of the class to do an exercise. I felt mad, tired, depressed and just then.. for a second.. I was falling in a black tunnel of sort. N o o n e even noticed.. and then I finished the exercise.
Walking out of the class alone with no one waiting for me again.. Yet they all seem to remember me during the grammar test. I'm sorry if I seem selfish from time to time but I have lost my will to help others.. I used to do it with joy, now there's only an echo of "leave me alone" left in my head. I'm amazed it still fits there.
Gosh how I would like to get out of here. Not in the summer, not at the weekend.. right now. Far away from civilisation, cold and clouds.. even from my closest friends. I just need to find myself again.. I haven't drawn or read books willingly since god knows when.. I used to love doing that. I just need to get away from everything I know, away from all the troubles.
I need a change. Right now the high peek of the day is to find juice in the fridge.. great.. Sometimes it helps by meeting new people, interesting people and getting to know their perspective in life. For a while I did and it felt refreshing but he doesn't have that much time.. And I'm back to square one. He seemed really interesting though, his all family.. different from all I've known.. it felt inspiring, just by talking to him. Life is young they say, then how come it always seems to be at the edge with nothing left? Feels like there is nothing else coming and you have to cling onto what you have.. but t h a t actually pushes all you do have even further.
I haven't written in a long time although I have so much to say.. just never the time to say it or write it down. And when I do.. the right words are gone. What else I noticed is that I write best when I'm unhappy thus making the readers think there is nothing great in my life. There is.. I just don't feel like I need to write about that. My life did go well since the last time I wrote here, a lot has happened. Maybe I will write about that later when the time is right. I should.. to remind myself what went on in this little head of mine, to remind myself what I need to remember to get on better in life. I should.. I will.. just not now.. I'll be fine.. I always am.. I mean.. that's what they always expect.
Superchick - Stand In The Rain
