Trustless

To children parents and the rest of the family is like a strong steady system who they can always count on, find help and support no matter the circumstances. They know that no matter what happens, no matter how great and silly their fears are, they are safe and not alone.

However, if something changes, something collapses, they are betrayed or laughed at or not taken seriously, the children don't trust them anymore. Next time something happens they're not sure if they can rely on their family to help them. And if the system they could always count on is cracked, then who else can they turn to...

Stand-by mode

Last 6 weeks until the end of school and I feel completely crushed. As if the weight of the world is on my shoulders again and there's no one to support me to keep on going. The people I trust and depend on don't even seem to notice me anymore or just take me for granted absorbing my mind and strenght without giving anything in return. Like drowning in a sea - they hold on to me to save themselves and once treading water.. forget I was even there. I feel used, crushed, forgotten, abused. I may have caused this isolation myself but there's only so much you can put up with.

My mind is like an old computer - too full to function. Occasionally it's on stand-by mode for a few hours after school. Then back to studying. Four to five hours of sleep are becoming habitual. Depressing? You have no idea. Today half of my English exercise was wrong... h a l f .. that is a very bad indicator. If I already messed up English then I must be really messed up. A lot of my time is taken by my hobbies yet I can't seem to give them up to rest either.. Self-destruction seems to be my only goal right now since I've lost the ones I had.. more like lost the meaning of them. I used to know what I want from life, from future.. but mostly.. from myself. I don't even know who I'm studying for anymore. Myself?.. what for? My family?.. they just want the best for me. The teachers?.. seems more like it every day.

I know that if I let go I will regret, I would always think I could've done better. I am never ..completely.. satisfied.. with myself. Always trying to be better. Because there is always someone better and luckier in no matter what. So I try to be more like them. I have a m a z i n g friends. They like me and say I'm great.. but I never feel like I deserve them, that they're too good to be true and I couldn't have been so lucky to have them to call my own. Occasionally I feel like in a movie.. that this all is not real.. it's just a video game I've forgotten myself into.

I feel so tired.. maybe because of the spring coming and last efforts at school, maybe because I'm just tired of everything old and need something new, maybe since every time I stand up too quicky I feel like falling into a black hole, literally. I have been having those a lot lately, recent one today during math class when teacher called me in front of the class to do an exercise. I felt mad, tired, depressed and just then.. for a second.. I was falling in a black tunnel of sort. N o o n e even noticed.. and then I finished the exercise.

Walking out of the class alone with no one waiting for me again.. Yet they all seem to remember me during the grammar test. I'm sorry if I seem selfish from time to time but I have lost my will to help others.. I used to do it with joy, now there's only an echo of "leave me alone" left in my head. I'm amazed it still fits there.

Gosh how I would like to get out of here. Not in the summer, not at the weekend.. right now. Far away from civilisation, cold and clouds.. even from my closest friends. I just need to find myself again.. I haven't drawn or read books willingly since god knows when.. I used to love doing that. I just need to get away from everything I know, away from all the troubles.

I need a change. Right now the high peek of the day is to find juice in the fridge.. great.. Sometimes it helps by meeting new people, interesting people and getting to know their perspective in life. For a while I did and it felt refreshing but he doesn't have that much time.. And I'm back to square one. He seemed really interesting though, his all family.. different from all I've known.. it felt inspiring, just by talking to him. Life is young they say, then how come it always seems to be at the edge with nothing left? Feels like there is nothing else coming and you have to cling onto what you have.. but t h a t actually pushes all you do have even further.

I haven't written in a long time although I have so much to say.. just never the time to say it or write it down. And when I do.. the right words are gone. What else I noticed is that I write best when I'm unhappy thus making the readers think there is nothing great in my life. There is.. I just don't feel like I need to write about that. My life did go well since the last time I wrote here, a lot has happened. Maybe I will write about that later when the time is right. I should.. to remind myself what went on in this little head of mine, to remind myself what I need to remember to get on better in life. I should.. I will.. just not now.. I'll be fine.. I always am.. I mean.. that's what they always expect.

Superchick - Stand In The Rain

Memories

Memories..

The things that keep us alive, remind us what we're made of and everything we've learned but most of all.. who we r e a l l y are. Think about it.. without memories we don't know who we are, who are around us, what's really special to us, what we've learned, what's wrong and what's right, we don't know who we are i n s i d e.. without memories.. we don't exist...

That's how I've been feeling lately. I keep my memories in places, music, scences, people. And they're being taken away from me. My kindergarten - renovated, my first school - taken away and built into a new one, my neighbourhood - constantly rebuilt, my new school - renovated, my old class - scattered around town, twice.. my new class - falling apart and some of them leaving, my countryside farm - old, falling apart and even the animals are gone, my boyfriend - we broke up, my friends - not getting along anymore and last but not least.. my family - parents broke up recently.

So.. how am I supposed to feel now when about a year and a half ago my life seemed perfect?

I don't even know who I am anymore, I don't know what I like, what's important to me or what I should do with this little fragile life I call mine.

Messed up

During the next week I felt so messed up. I didn't even know what I wanted anymore.

Everything he did and didn't only made me angrier. So I decided to confront him. We argued really bad, on the Internet, and I felt like I really wanted to smack him. But then ... when I saw a picure of me in his profile and the text underneath... I started to cry. All the hate had just .. vanished. And I felt like I wanted to hug him. I even started to feel like I still wanted this, that we could still have a chance.

One weird thing about me is that... I can block the pain. Like nothing ever happened. The next few days, looking at the picture made me feel nothing. And I hate that, it makes me think like I don't care or have no emotions but I do, they just dissappear.

We met on Saturday. To talk things through. I really wanted to be mad, really mad and maybe .. even slap him. But ... when I saw him... I laughed. I was happy. I didn't want to be out in the cold so we went to a mall. We would've preferred a more private place but that was the best we could have. Seeing him, the happiness made me feel... like I still wanted this. That it could still work out. And... I was even considering to change, to find more time for him, to fight for it.

Grete was with me that day, she was a big help. Without her I would've probably lost it. She told me that when she had walked by us we had seemed like a really loving couple.

He seemed so good that day. I even felt the same scent he always had on when we first met. I had never liked it much but that day.. it was irresistible. Almost every look at him made me smile. And that's what made this even harder. At one point being really close to him ... I really wanted to .. kiss him. Me and infront of many people?! Yeah, I would've done it.

So I tried being serious because... we had to talk about it. And.. the more I asked him, the more I realised where this was finally heading. So far it had seemed like he is not giving up, like he still wanted this too. But after I gave him the link to my first blog, he... gave up. And the more I started to realise it, the more it started to hurt.

I mentioned her too, he didn't deny anything either. Silence means approval. After realising how big her role in this is, I lost all my hope, I felt crushed. I felt like he's the one who wanted to break up with me even though I had started all this a long time ago. Seemed like the tables had turned. So I asked him to compare his feelings to me and her. He didn't know, he said he was confused. And then I asked him if the feeling for her was strong enough to finish us... Surprisingly quickly he replied ... yes. And then I ran... As fast as I could, fighting with tears, away from the crowd, away from him, to the locker, to my jacket. Every footstep seemed like his. By the time I got my jacket on Grete had caught up with me. As I said, she was a great help.

I didn't want to remember anything, I tried not to think about it. That night I also had to go to a birthday with my parents and most of the time I laughed. But even if I started to remember just for a second.. I had tears.

As I said, I have a gift to block the pain (I should really go to an acting class :) ). I guess noone suspected a thing. Except my parents, they knew but they acted like nothing had ever happened. The next day ... I felt nothing.. again. It's weird and I'm afraid people who know about this might think I'm cold-hearted or that I must've felt nothing for him by getting over it so quickly. But they're wrong. I may seem normal and even laugh like everything is OK. But I'm shattered inside, the pain and memories follow me everywhere. That's why I've been trying to delete myself from his every account.

A good friend gave me a big support. He said that he's not the right one for me, that a girl like me deserves someone better. He also admired my strenght to go on and block the pain. He was on my side and it helped me.

He seems okay now, like nothing ever happened. Guess he really cares for her more. Yeah, well .. now he can chace after her with no guilt for me anymore. Funny thing is.. he said that he wasn't seeing anyone, that he wasn't chasing after anyone, that she was just a good friend. And yet... the last answer... That means he lied to me before.

Some people change after going trough this. They change their looks, their style and tastes, and even themselves. I'm not going to do that. I like the way I am and I don't think I should change that because of something like that. It's not worth it. He's .... not worth it.

Kate Alexa - Another Now

Guess this is goodbye

I've never given much thought to how it would end but currently it would probably be best for both of us.

We met on our changing points and we liked it but now... we've both changed.. in different directions. I liked him the way he was.. not the way he is. It just doesn't work, not anymore at least. I tried, I really did but I've known this for a long time now. Guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Telling myself that this is the best decision was hard. It was so hard to let this go, all the memories and feelings but... it would only hurt more by pretending everything's allright. It doesn't work that way and I know.. because it runs in my family. And in order to avoid "the curse" I have to fight it even if it means letting him go.

Others may not understand because he seems so good, he has so many talents and he's quite unique, different from the massive crowd. And that's what I'll miss the most. But what others can't see, what he hides from them and not from me, are all the bad sides of a person. Noone should ever show them out and that's why I can't stand him anymore. Yet I'll still miss it all. It's so hard...

I'll also and definitely miss his family and relatives. That's one thing I liked about him. I've always dreamed of a big and happy family, many same-aged cousins and things like that and he has it. And I'll miss that.

Funny thing is.. the more I stay away from him... the more it makes me want him. Yet when I do see him... it makes me want to.. fight him.

I miss him.. but... I can't be with him either...

I can only comfort myself by hoping that my training, everything I taught him will pay off in his life, make someone else very happy. Funny thing is that he never used them on me... Everything I wanted him to do, never on me and now... on everyone else.

It h u r t s to see how he doesn't even realise it.

At first it hurt to see him getting along with others more than he did before but now when I think about it... I'm glad. I'm glad that he is finally growing up, taking more actions and .. finding someone better for him. I know he already has, deep down he knows though he might not yet agree. She really is better for him. They're like twins, like soulmates and they really like each other. He might .. say.. that it's nothing, that they're just good friends but he has no idea how it still hurts.

I've got to pull myself together.. life goes on and we're still young. Guess me and Janika weren't so different after all. I just hope I'll meet someone who I don't have to train anymore, who's good enough for me too...










The Pussycat Dolls - I Hate This Part