Messed up

During the next week I felt so messed up. I didn't even know what I wanted anymore.

Everything he did and didn't only made me angrier. So I decided to confront him. We argued really bad, on the Internet, and I felt like I really wanted to smack him. But then ... when I saw a picure of me in his profile and the text underneath... I started to cry. All the hate had just .. vanished. And I felt like I wanted to hug him. I even started to feel like I still wanted this, that we could still have a chance.

One weird thing about me is that... I can block the pain. Like nothing ever happened. The next few days, looking at the picture made me feel nothing. And I hate that, it makes me think like I don't care or have no emotions but I do, they just dissappear.

We met on Saturday. To talk things through. I really wanted to be mad, really mad and maybe .. even slap him. But ... when I saw him... I laughed. I was happy. I didn't want to be out in the cold so we went to a mall. We would've preferred a more private place but that was the best we could have. Seeing him, the happiness made me feel... like I still wanted this. That it could still work out. And... I was even considering to change, to find more time for him, to fight for it.

Grete was with me that day, she was a big help. Without her I would've probably lost it. She told me that when she had walked by us we had seemed like a really loving couple.

He seemed so good that day. I even felt the same scent he always had on when we first met. I had never liked it much but that day.. it was irresistible. Almost every look at him made me smile. And that's what made this even harder. At one point being really close to him ... I really wanted to .. kiss him. Me and infront of many people?! Yeah, I would've done it.

So I tried being serious because... we had to talk about it. And.. the more I asked him, the more I realised where this was finally heading. So far it had seemed like he is not giving up, like he still wanted this too. But after I gave him the link to my first blog, he... gave up. And the more I started to realise it, the more it started to hurt.

I mentioned her too, he didn't deny anything either. Silence means approval. After realising how big her role in this is, I lost all my hope, I felt crushed. I felt like he's the one who wanted to break up with me even though I had started all this a long time ago. Seemed like the tables had turned. So I asked him to compare his feelings to me and her. He didn't know, he said he was confused. And then I asked him if the feeling for her was strong enough to finish us... Surprisingly quickly he replied ... yes. And then I ran... As fast as I could, fighting with tears, away from the crowd, away from him, to the locker, to my jacket. Every footstep seemed like his. By the time I got my jacket on Grete had caught up with me. As I said, she was a great help.

I didn't want to remember anything, I tried not to think about it. That night I also had to go to a birthday with my parents and most of the time I laughed. But even if I started to remember just for a second.. I had tears.

As I said, I have a gift to block the pain (I should really go to an acting class :) ). I guess noone suspected a thing. Except my parents, they knew but they acted like nothing had ever happened. The next day ... I felt nothing.. again. It's weird and I'm afraid people who know about this might think I'm cold-hearted or that I must've felt nothing for him by getting over it so quickly. But they're wrong. I may seem normal and even laugh like everything is OK. But I'm shattered inside, the pain and memories follow me everywhere. That's why I've been trying to delete myself from his every account.

A good friend gave me a big support. He said that he's not the right one for me, that a girl like me deserves someone better. He also admired my strenght to go on and block the pain. He was on my side and it helped me.

He seems okay now, like nothing ever happened. Guess he really cares for her more. Yeah, well .. now he can chace after her with no guilt for me anymore. Funny thing is.. he said that he wasn't seeing anyone, that he wasn't chasing after anyone, that she was just a good friend. And yet... the last answer... That means he lied to me before.

Some people change after going trough this. They change their looks, their style and tastes, and even themselves. I'm not going to do that. I like the way I am and I don't think I should change that because of something like that. It's not worth it. He's .... not worth it.

Kate Alexa - Another Now